Turning Toward the Self

by Barrie

Lead me from the unreal to the real,
Lead me from darkness to light,
Lead me from death to immortality.

—Bṛhadāraṇyaka Upaniṣad 

I had been a student of meditation for several years when, in 1997, I moved to India for a long-term stay at the ashram of the path I had been practicing. A few weeks after I arrived, I was invited to offer seva, selfless service, as the kitchen manager, overseeing the preparation and service of all meals for hundreds of people. Since I had only recently arrived, the Indian culture and cuisine were still new to me. I didn’t even know the Hindi names of the vegetables. There was so much to learn! I knew this was going to be a time of significant expansion for me.

My fellow yogis did their best to support me as I learned my new role, and from the beginning, everything went well—at least it seemed so on the outside. All the meals were tasty and on time, and there was always enough food for everyone. But inside, a long-held habit of self-doubt was in full swing. Instead of being grateful for all the support I was receiving and appreciating the daily marvel for everything that was going right, I kept focusing on the mistakes I was making and how much I didn’t know. Little did I know it at the time, but I was under the spell of months-long wobble away from my true capability, my power, and my sense of self-worth.

One day, while resting after lunch, I had a powerful dream. In the dream, I was sitting across a desk from my meditation teacher. She was interviewing me as if for a job. Somehow, I knew that she was interviewing me on my ability to change. After a series of questions, she looked directly into my eyes, and with great tenderness and love, I heard her say  “You are so great, but no one will ever know it unless you change.”

In the weeks and months following my dream, I spent time inquiring into the inner turmoil I was creating. I realized something crucial. At the root of my habit of self-criticism was a deep sense of unworthiness. I felt that no matter what I did, no matter how smoothly the kitchen ran, I would never be good enough. As a result, I could never be happy with myself as I was. I discovered that a lack of self-worth was at the core of my feelings of frustration, failure, and incapability.

I had heard the teachings that said, in effect, “You are great; you are whole; you are perfect just as you are.” Intellectually, I knew they were the truth. But did I believe it deep down inside? I realized that even more than giving myself a break from the constant voice of self-criticism, I needed to change how I saw myself as an individual. I had to change my relationship with myself. To step into my greatness, I had to let go of the thoughts, habits, and tendencies that kept me limited, unworthy, and small.

These, of course, are all ways that we tend to wobble away from what yoga tells us is our true nature, the greatness, wholeness, and perfection that lives in the heart of every human being. From that moment on, nurturing and building a loving relationship with myself became a significant theme in my sadhana, my spiritual life.

My hatha yoga practice played an essential role in shifting the nature of my inner dialogue from critical to compassionate. Asana became a practice of self-honoring and self-acceptance. I used it to cultivate a loving relationship with myself. I consciously related to my body as an instrument for the inner work of yoga and ultimately as the vehicle for service to the highest. Over time, I started to experience my body as strong and beautiful. I recognized it as sacred, worthy of love and respect, a temple for the divine. Taking care of my body felt like an offering. Postural practice became an expression of self-love and respect.

This is an example of the power of approaching yoga as a practice of nurturing a loving inner relationship. I believe that yoga practice is at its most transformational when we use it as a way to restore, nurture, and expand a loving, compassionate relationship with ourselves. We do this not only for ourselves but also because doing so changes the way we see others and interact with the world around us.

At some point, even the most assiduous yogis are likely to wobble away from feeling worthy and whole in one way or another. The good news is that experiencing these kinds of inner wobbles can open up new avenues of inner examination. They can inspire our longing for empowerment, growth and self-discovery. Deep-seated feelings that somehow we just aren’t good enough just as we are, are often at the root of our search for something more. They can compel us to dig deeper and seek out ways to nurture self-acceptance and bring about feelings of wholeness.

In my experience, wobbling away from our inherent worthiness can show up wearing many disguises, including:

• Persistent self-criticism
• A habit of comparing oneself others, usually coming out on the bottom end
• Feeling discouraged, disempowered, defeated and hopeless
• A lack of self-confidence
• Taking things personally
• A feeling of underlying sadness, even when everything seems to be going okay
• Loneliness, even amid others

Yoga offers us an alternative way of relating to ourselves and our wobbles, one that is grounded in a vision of the human being as inherently complete and whole. Through practice, we gain glimpses of this state that, over time, fortify our conviction that, indeed, we are good enough.

We do this not only by thinking and feeling that we are good enough but by actually embodying this idea. Through intention, movement, and breath, we install the vision of ourselves as supremely worthy of receiving love into the fabric of our bodies. We become capable of listening to the nagging inner voice that tells us we’ll never be good enough, knowing full well it is not the real story.

We learn to embrace our wobbles with the tenderness of a mother holding her child. In these ways, we nurture a compassionate, loving relationship with ourselves that is bigger than what our mind tells us. At the same time, we strengthen the recognition of our essential worthiness by taking hold of the teachings that tell us we are—and always have been—perfect exactly as we are. We let go of the need for outer approval and recognize our inherent goodness.

Noticing Your Inner Wobbles

In the years that followed my dream and the subsequent period of transformation I experienced, I thought about the dynamics at work in yoga that supported me to create lasting and authentic inner growth.

The space of our practice offers two ways to work with our wobbles that, together, create the possibility for a shift:

1. Welcoming what is: Yoga practice gives us a place to meet, see, feel, and thoroughly be with reality (both internal and external), as it is, without pushing it away, judging it, or wishing it could be different. Just being with it. This includes bodily sensations as well as the full range of the mind and emotions: the usual mental chatter of moods, thoughts, reactions, and stronger emotions like anger or fear.

2. Going beyond what is: At the same time, practice gives us access to an inner space that is slightly apart from the reality of what is. This is the space of witnessing. It is the firmament, the all-encompassing awareness that holds the fullness of our experience and yet is not affected by it like the sky is unaffected by clouds. Shifting to this awareness provides us with the critical perspective needed to feel our independence from what is happening. This space of witness consciousness is the self-reflective capacity that exists within every human being and is the beginning of yoga’s path to inner freedom.

In anthropology, this is called being a participant-observer. An anthropologist immerses herself in a culture while at the same time, remaining separate enough to observe that culture. Similarly, yoga teaches us how to be aware of what we are thinking and feeling while at the same time, knowing that we are more than just what our minds tell us.

As in the months following my dream, the practice of working with our inner wobbles in this way and coming back, again and again, to our innate strength and worthiness fosters conviction. It empowers us to face life’s challenges with resilience and steadfastness.

Integrating Wobbles into Your Practice

Another crucial element of facing our wobbles and turning toward our true Selves, is having ways to integrate our experience of yoga practice into the rest of our lives. Integration is about digesting and assimilating what we experience in yoga. It’s about letting the lessons of our practice seep into our consciousness and then bringing them into our way of living in the world, weaving them into the fabric of our everyday lives.

The truth is that everything about the way we approach yoga is a metaphor for life. When I’m patient with myself on my mat, it’s easier for me to be patient with my daughter. When I’m accepting of myself in yoga, it’s easier for me to accept others as they are. When I feel nurtured by my practice, it feels natural to nurture my family and others. When I’m able to dance with my wobbles on the mat, I get better at responding to them in my life.

Integration happens when we approach all parts of our lives—including family, relationships, work, the way we process current events, how we rake the leaves in our backyard—through the lens of our experience and understanding of yoga. We learn to approach every moment, every situation, as an opportunity for practice. Coordinating our breath rhythm with our steps while taking a walk; softening our shoulders and relaxing our posture to feel more at ease while sitting in traffic; remembering the farmers who grew our food while preparing a meal to enhance our experience of interconnection; these are all examples of infusing yoga into the rest of our lives. We bring consciousness, breath, awareness, and a recognition of a larger, grander, and even sacred purpose to every encounter, to all our tasks and situations. Over time there is less and less separation between our yogic selves and who we are in the rest of our lives.

This is an excerpt from Embrace your Wobbles: Wisdom from the yoga mat, edited by Priscilla Shumway. Available here from Amazon.

 

Download Barrie’s free Guide to Home Yoga Practice right here. Learn more about her book Evolving Your Yoga: Ten Principles for Enlightened Practice and her online classes at www.barrierisman.com.

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