by Jill

Inner Space by Luciano Bartolini

Life as we all realize is difficult, messy, and unpredictable. How do we hold what our life offers us? We cannot always choose what comes our way or befalls us or those we love but we can choose how we hold what happens. By lightly holding ourselves and others—not contracting or recoiling at least for very long—we can remain upright and able to walk forward facing the truth of things with some ease, agility, and resiliency. I know that we can from my own experience. We all have the ability to remain spacious and loving more of the time without bypassing important feelings or be in denial of facts. Staying open to knowing how our own minds work and how all minds work, knowing how our heart is and how all hearts are, and knowing ourselves personally and trans-personally simultaneously allows us to not take thing personally when they are not meant that way and respond in kind to what is needed out of the space and clarity we contain.

In contemplative and spiritual circles, the expression “holding space” is the term being used to describe this way of being. Because it’s an expression I’ve used and written about in the past, and have had many direct experiences with, Nina and I recently sat down to discuss exactly what holding space was and how it might be put in terms of accessibility and even practical usefulness. How does one “hold space”? And when is it useful? 

Holding Space in the Body

There are times when most of us can recognize that we feel spaciousness in our body. Space is the opposite of contraction, and would imply that it’s a feeling of softness, as space and softness go together. Especially in times of positive feelings, such as joy or compassion, we might sense a feeling of openness in the body, which is generally because positive feelings create an ease and relaxation in the body.

When we fall in love, there can be a real sense of openness and even bliss in the body that we could think of as space; the body can feel light and buoyant and even pain free. When we begin to shut down because we are feeling angry, resentful, depressed, or anxious, there are associated feelings in the body, such as contraction, tightness, pain, and even numbness. If we are trained to be or are intuitively somatic (feeling the body from the inside), we can sense when this shift begins rather than after it has taken root. 

By keeping the body fairly (no one is perfect!) open, soft, and relaxed even during difficult times, we essentially allow emotions to move through and not get caught or stuck or manifested in uncomfortable ways. The body’s tissues can hold onto residue from emotions—as we know from findings on PTSD—so when we notice strong uncomfortable emotions we can also become aware of areas of the body tightening or becoming numb in association with the emotion. In this case, if we can relax the area, or breathe into it, or visualize warmth, color or light in the specific area it can relieve the tension and alleviate a lasting affect.

Holding space in the body can mean counteracting tension and tightness by consciously bringing spaciousness and softness back or it can mean remaining soft and spacious in the midst of tense times and consciously allowing whatever we are experiencing to be truly felt but not reacted to.

Holding Space in the Heart

It’s really natural and easy to shut down and protect ourselves when we feel too vulnerable or when we’ve been hurt. It can be a helpful coping skill for a little while, but if it goes on too long it is actually not helpful at all because shutting out tends to shut down and a shut-down heart doesn’t feel good, nor does it necessarily invite love, hope, or even courage.


It’s almost like we put up a shiny shield of armor to hide behind; it repels what we perceive as potential continuation of emotional harm. Sometimes, we can feel when we begin to tighten around the area of the heart—there can be a literal sense of muscles grabbing the whole area of the chest and upper back. I’ve seen people’s bodies round forward, shoulders coming up with upper back rounded as if that might be helpful, and sometimes I hear that it feels that it is. The problem is that this self – armoring can create physical problems in the back, neck and shoulders over time. We might also sense an internal gripping around the heart, even in the lungs, which restricts or shape-shifts breath, leaving feelings of being stuck and uncomfortable.


Being vulnerable, and open is difficult, but fortunately it is a skill we can cultivate. First, we can start to notice when we start to feel ourselves close off and protect. If we can be sensitive to these kinds of feelings—both outwardly physical and or more internally even energetically—then we can use the skillful means, such as working with our breath, to counteract this in the moment it is occurring. This can stave off a sticky condition that when allowed can fester and grow.


Imagining breathing directly into your heart area can release tension. Imagining breathing a color or warm light is an additional tool to do the same at the same time. Placing your hand on the tightened area also can bring relief as the touch, warmth, and light pressure of the hand can be soothing.



Holding Space in the Mind


Maybe a better way to think about space in the mind is “creating” it rather than “holding” it. Holding can imply that the space is already there, which in the Buddhist view it is, but there are plenty of times when it is not because it gets clouded over or filled up temporarily with stories that create discomfort, fear, anger etc. How does one create space in the mind? I believe with a spiritual practice, consisting of lots of self-reflection and a deep knowing of our own patterns and stories. We need to discover where we tighten our mind by narrowing the aperture of it and seeing things too much through the lens of I, me, and mine, which leads to feeling stuck, depressed, hopeless, idea-less, dull, or even resentful and angry.


Recognizing these feelings when they arise is key and then taking some action, is making a positive and healthy choice to return space to the mind. Skillful ways to support feelings of spaciousness and therefore resiliency include: talking to a friend, walking in nature, or visualizing opening the windows in the mind and airing things out can be. It’s not that we won’t shut our minds from time to time or get spun and become reactive—because we will and do—but with conscious effort we can re-find balance more and more quickly and regain our inner spaciousness and softness.


Contrary to some opinions, when we are feeling acutely—experiencing too many twirling negative thoughts (or emotions for that matter) or being in a time where we can‘t seem to get out of our own way and we’ve become overrun by our stories—it may not be the time to sit and meditate. It can be far more skillful to turn the mind towards something pleasant or even find somewhere to be of service to others, but not contemplate the deep hole of a navel. Finding or remembering space in the mind can be a moment-to-moment practice and is dependent on the state of mind and relevant to what we are observing. It’s not one-size-fits-all type of situation, and this is why experimenting with yourself is an excellent way to learn what works.


Holding Space for Others


I think holding space for others is a very important practice because most of the time—without being made aware of this fact—we are having running conversations in our minds while someone is talking to us. We do this unconsciously so bringing mindful awareness to this is essential to changing it.


The assumptive qualities we bring to a conversation are especially strong if we are hearing from someone we know well, like a family member or spouse. In many cases we have already decided who they are and know what they are saying as they are saying it or even before they have said it. When this happens we are not present, we are not open to them, and we are definitely not holding space for them.


Deep, open listening is a skill. Being receptive, internally quiet, and open to someone else’s views is a practice. It’s something that our world is in dire need of at the moment as we have been drawing strong lines between us and them in a variety of political, cultural, and religious ways.


Practicing inner awareness is key to being more present, open, and receptive rather than protective and assumptive when we are with each other. This moment-to-moment practice of noticing thoughts, feelings, and internal sensations (also called interoception—see Coming to Your Senses in Yoga Poses) are all aspects of inner awareness. When we are aware of ourselves, for example, of our responses and conversations happening internally, we can immediately work with what we hear or feel by quieting the chatter, relaxing a part of the body that is becoming tense, or by breathing again when we are aware of holding our breath.


Holding space in body, heart, mind, and for each other can be learned, developed and cultivated by a variety of skillful means. We can become aware of how space feels when we have it—after a great yoga class or Savasana, after a period of meditation, after a kiss, after a walk in nature—and then we know what we want to invite back when it’s gone. We are our own best experiment and learning tool for this; there is no one or right way. If you’re interested in learning more, I have some recordings here that offer some examples of inner awareness, breathing into the heart, and meditation on finding space in the body, heart and mind.


Being spacious ourselves is what creates trust amongst each other; we feel safe with one another and we feel more sane, open, and vulnerable, and all of that is a way to live with courage and being at ease with not knowing.


P.S. I now have new openings in my schedule for private lessons on embodied mindfulness and/or meditation with students in the San Francisco Bay Area or online via Skype. I have special experience in the areas of chronic pain, trauma, substance abuse, and grief, among other things. See http://www.jillsatterfield.org/ for more information about me or to contact me about studying with me

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